Coming Out in Adulthood: Is It Ever Too Late?

In movies and media, coming out is often depicted as one big moment that happens in someone’s teenage years or early twenties. However, in real life, people come to understand themselves at different point in their lives and in ways that can change and evolve over time (Fredriksen-Goldsen, 2023). You might realise new aspects of your identity in your thirties, forties, fifties or beyond. This might come after a period of quietly knowing, or it might feel like an unexpected discovery.

Coming out in adulthood can bring a varied range of feelings. There might be relief, excitement and a sense of connection as you understand yourself more deeply. There might also be fear, grief, uncertainty or anger about the time spent living with a version of yourself that no longer feels quite right. Whilst I am mainly referring to LGBTQIA+ identities in this article, similar experiences around coming out can also be experienced in relation to other identities such as neurodiversity (Sreckovic et al., 2024).

You are never too old to discover something new about yourself

As we move through life, our self-understanding can change. Since being straight and cisgender are considered the ‘norm’ in society, someone may assume that they are expected to have these characteristics and feel restricted in developing an alternative self-understanding. Others may find it too threatening to acknowledge their gender or sexuality due to the social cost of being LGBTQIA+, leading to a longer period of questioning or keeping identities hidden (Kinitz & Salway, 2022). Also, without the language for a concept or identity, there can be a unclear sense of knowing that is difficult to put into words for understanding and expression (Fricker & Jenkins, 2017). Therefore, as new language develops to express different identities, there may be a shift in self-understanding.

This doesn't necessarily mean that you have been in denial, or that you have somehow failed to know yourself. We are not born with a complete, unchanging understanding of who we are. Sometimes it takes time, experience and the right circumstances for something to become visible to us.

Coming out doesn't have to mean having all the answers

One of the pressures around coming out can be the feeling that you need have found one certain and coherent identity before you share it (Jones, 2020). However, gender and sexuality can be experienced in a wide variety of ways that may feel fluid, complex or multifaceted. For some people, one specific label might fit well. For others, there may be several labels, changing labels or no label at all.

Coming out doesn't have to be the announcement of a final answer. Instead, it may look like experimenting with different language, noticing changes how you feel in different contexts or taking some time to yourself to work things through.

Being yourself may not always feel easy

There can be a sense of freedom and having ‘come home’ in the process of self-discovery and coming out. Especially if you are in a supportive community, this may include no longer having to hide parts of yourself and being able to live in way that feels true to who you are.

However, people don't always respond to difference with acceptance. These hurtful experiences can show up in relationships, families, friendships and workplaces. When considering coming out, you may worry about being judged, rejected or misunderstood. Keeping your identity hidden or sharing it with others each holds different potential psychological challenges and there is no one right way to navigate this - only the way that makes sense to you (Pachankis, Cochran & Mays, 2015).

While we have some freedom in how we live and the choices we make, we are also situated within wider cultures and social circumstances that we may not have chosen. There are situations where being open about your identity might carry additional risks, whether those are emotional, relational or physical. Choosing not to come out in those circumstances isn't a failure to be authentic or an invalidation of your identity. Instead, it can be a way of looking after yourself and protecting your safety (Legate, Ryan & Weinstein, 2012).

You don't have to come out to everyone

Coming out can be an ongoing process, with variation between your relationships and stages of life. You might be out to your partner and closest friends, but not your family or colleagues. Perhaps you start with the people that you feel safest with, and others find out later or perhaps never. You don’t owe anyone access to parts of yourself that you feel uncomfortable to share. If you would like to build community with people that are more accepting of your identity, intentionally going to queer-focused groups or meet-ups can be a great place to start.

There can also be grief in coming out later in life

Coming to understand yourself better can lead to experiences of relief and joy, but it can also involve feelings of loss. You might grieve the years you spent trying to hide parts of yourself or wonder what your life may have looked like if you had understood some things about yourself earlier. There may be sadness or frustration when people that you hoped would support you don’t react as you had imagined.

These feelings of sadness, frustration, happiness and joy all get to exist together. You don't have to choose between being grateful and grieving. Sometimes, finding a way to move forward means making space for both.

What if I don't know how I identify yet?

There is no rush to have your identity figured out. Instead of trying to find a definitive description of who you are, asking more present-focused questions can be a less pressuring starting point for exploration. For example, ‘What feels true for me today?’.

Deepening your self-understanding doesn’t have to only centre around finding a specific gender or sexuality that fits. You might notice what feels comfortable and what doesn’t, gently acknowledge feelings that you may have previously pushed away or telling one trusted person something that feels manageable to share. Sometimes you may not feel ready to make changes just yet, and that’s okay. You are allowed to do things at your own pace.

Finding support: How counselling can help

Coming to understand your identity can bring up questions that don't always have straightforward answers. You might be trying to make sense of feelings that are new to you, working through shame or self-doubt, or wondering how to move forward with a  different way of understanding yourself.

Counselling can offer a space to explore these questions without needing to arrive with a fixed conclusion. You don't need to know exactly how you identify, whether you want to come out, or what you want to do next before beginning therapy.

Together, we can make space for whatever comes up as you explore who you are and what feels important to you. This might include thinking about what authenticity means for you, navigating relationships and coming out, or developing a kinder and more accepting relationship with yourself.

You don't have to have all the answers before you begin. Sometimes, having somewhere to explore the questions is a good first step.

Written by Izzi Norrington (MBACP), Counsellor.

View references for this article here.