I’m Autistic, Now What?
Realising that you are autistic can be a profound moment. It might involve experiences of relief, uncertainty, grief and a sense of recognition: ‘this explains so much’. Whatever has brought you to this point, the discovery can be the beginning of getting to know yourself in more fully.
What does neurodiversity mean?
Neurodiversity refers to the natural variation in the ways human brains and nervous systems work. The type of neural makeup that a person has is called their ‘neurotype’ and shapes the way in which they think, communicate, process sensory information, learn or experience the world (Bolton, 2023; Jones, Hamilton and Kargas, 2023).
As well as autism, there are many other neurotypes. Some examples are:
ADH (also referred to as ‘ADHD’ in medical/diagnostic contexts).
Dyslexia
Dyspraxia
Dyscalculia
Tourette’s
These neurotypes may be experienced on their own or with one or more other neurotypes (e.g. ‘AuDHD’ is Autism and ADH).
As with other types of psychological experience, there are both social and medical ways of understanding neurodivergence. These are nuanced positions, in which there is also variation between different theorists and practitioners. However, in general terms, the medical model holds that these neurotypes may be considered disorders and/or disabilities inherent within the individual. The social model, by contrast, emphasises the ways in which disabling experiences arise through the interaction between an individual and social or environmental barriers, such as discrimination, exclusion and a lack of accommodation (Pellicano & den Houting, 2022). The biopsychosocial model offers another perspective, recognising the ways in which biological, psychological and social factors can interact to shape an individual's experiences. As an autistic therapist myself, I am most closely aligned with this perspective and believe that no neurotype is inherently better or worse than another.
‘How did nobody notice?’
For many people who discover they are autistic in adolescence or adulthood, one of the first questions is: How was this not recognised sooner?
Once you have the information that you are autistic, you may find yourself re-interpreting some aspects of your previous experiences. It may start to make more sense that you struggled with or felt confused by certain things, such as social interactions or strong sensations. There may have also been criticisms that you encountered - being ‘too direct’, ‘difficult’, ‘overly emotional’ - that start to feel less attributable to some kind of personal flaw and more a misperception of your neurotype. You were never a failed neurotypical person, but a wonderful and unique autistic person.
It is common for people to try - even subconsciously - to suppress autistic traits out of a fear of social exclusion and discrimination (Jones, Hamilton and Kargas, 2023). This is particularly common for AFAB (‘assigned female at birth’) people who have lower support needs and/or strong verbal skills (Lai et al., 2023). Due to gendered expectations of politeness and sociability, AFAB people often hide their autistic traits. Although some progress has been made in recent years, people who do not outwardly express stereotypically ‘male’ kinds of autistic traits have frequently not been identified by psychological professionals as autistic.
Making space for grief
Alongside relief and validation, it is also possible to feel grief. You might grieve for the younger version of yourself who did not understand why things felt so difficult. You may grieve the support or understanding that you did not receive and feel let down by healthcare professionals or family members. This can feel extremely painful, alongside the relief of starting to understand yourself more deeply.
The impact of neuronormativity
Many autistic people have spent much of their lives navigating neuronormativity: the idea that neurotypical ways of thinking, behaving, communicating and responding are treated as the expected standard.
From an early age, we may receive messages about what is acceptable:
Sit still.
Make eye contact.
Don't fidget.
Don't be too sensitive.
Don't take things so literally.
Stop talking about that.
Why do you need things done that way?
Just push through.
Over time, these messages can teach us to suppress our unique needs and natural responses (Pyland & Tackett, 2026).
Perhaps you learnt to ignore sensory discomfort until you became completely overwhelmed. Maybe you stopped stimming in public because you were told that your movements looked strange. You may have forced yourself through social situations long after you were exhausted, or said yes to plans when your body was telling you that you needed rest.
Learning to notice your responses
An autism discovery in adulthood can sometimes feel like a big identity change. If you have spent a long time ignoring or suppressing your needs, it may feel really difficult to connect to what your needs are. This is completely understandable within your experience of many years being told that those needs are unacceptable. However, it is possible to slowly start coming back to yourself and finding ways to fulfil your needs that feel more supportive and safer. This self-discovery can happy gradually over many smaller moments, and there is no pressure to arrive at a complete new understanding of yourself.
One place to begin is with awareness. You might begin by gently asking yourself:
What senses am I noticing?
Am I comfortable?
Do I need more space, less noise or a break?
Am I forcing myself to continue because I think I should?
What would I naturally do if I did not feel pressure to appear ‘normal’?
This is not about monitoring yourself, but becoming curious about what your body and nervous system are already communicating.
You may notice that you rock or fidget, want to express yourself more loudly or quietly, avoid eye contact or feel like leaving events earlier. You might find sensory aids (e.g. ear plugs or weighted blankets), fidget toys or asking for clearer communication are useful to you. These supports can be helpful for regulating, processing information, recovering from sensory or social demands.
There is no need to force yourself to unmask around everyone all at once. Your environment and social context all contribute towards how safe it feels to start experimenting with changes that feel more real to yourself (‘unmasking’). Becoming more aware of your natural reactions in spaces that feel relatively safe can help you make more conscious decisions about when masking is useful, necessary or costing you too much.
Some people in your life may not immediately understand or respond how you hoped and this can feel really disappointing. Whilst you might find that you would like to share or explain, you are not responsible for educating anyone.
How can I support myself as an autistic person?
Whether autistic or not, the kind of self-care and support that a person benefits from will be specific to them. While there is no ‘one size fits all’, you might find it helpful to consider the following areas:
Your sensory needs
Notice which environments feel comfortable and which feel stressful. Light, noise, smells, textures, temperature and physical proximity can all affect how an environment feels. Small adjustments can make a meaningful difference.
Your energy
You may begin to notice that some activities cost more energy than others. This could include work, socialising, travelling, making decisions or managing unfamiliar environments. Notice how you feel after being in different environments - what boosts your energy and what drains you?
Your communication preferences
You may prefer direct communication, more time to process information, written instructions or knowing plans in advance. This is all useful information about how you communicate best.
Your ways of regulating
Stimming, movement, repetition, focused interests, familiar routines and time alone can all play a role in regulation for different people.
The aim is not to create a perfect life in which you never feel overwhelmed. It is to become more familiar with your own patterns, so that you can respond to yourself with greater understanding.
Hearing from others
Hearing about other people’s experience of adult autism discovery and their process of self-understanding can really help with feel less alone. I would recommend the following books and podcasts:
Books
Dr. Devon Price - Unmasking Autism
Fern Brady - Strong Female Character
Chloé Hayden - Different, Not Less
Podcasts
Catherine Asta - The Late Discovered Club
Rich and Rox Pink - Late Bloomers
How counselling can help after adult autism discovery
Counselling can offer a space to explore the impact of a diagnosis in adulthood, both the relief and any more painful emotions that may come up around this. You might want to talk about grief, anger, identity or relationships. For some people, counselling can also be a place to experiment with being more honest about what they are experiencing: noticing sensory responses, recognising overwhelm, identifying needs and becoming curious about the difference between what feels natural to them and what has been learnt as a way of fitting in.
Written by Izzi Norrington (MBACP), Counsellor.
View references for this article here.