Why Do I Keep Having The Same Arguments With People?

Have you ever found yourself asking, ‘Why does this keep happening to me?’ . Perhaps you seem to have the same arguments on repeat or frequently feel let down in similar ways. Maybe you can recognise the pattern while it's happening, but don’t know how to stop it. In these situations, it’s common to wonder if you’re somehow attracted to the wrong people or ‘bad’ at relationships.

Although these patterns can feel confusing and frustrating, they are usually not random. Many of the ways we communicate, respond in arguments and relate to others have developed over our lifetime and may have started as a coping strategy earlier on. Understanding these patterns can be the first step towards creating relationships that more secure, less stressful and generally more fun!

What are relationship patterns?

Relationship patterns are the recurring ways we think, feel and behave in our relationships. They can appear in any kind of relationship, including with romantic partners, friends, relatives or colleagues.

Examples of relationship patterns include:

• Repeatedly avoiding difficult conversations and then blowing up in an argument.

• Feeling anxious when you’re left on read or someone takes longer than usual to reply.

• Withdrawing or shutting down during conflicts.

• Becoming the ‘fixer’ in relationships, without receiving much back in return.

• Feeling like you have to earn love or approval, while minimising disagreements.

• Choosing partners who seem emotionally unavailable or don’t understand your needs.

• Constantly worrying that people will leave or reject you.

I wonder if any of these feel familiar to you? Perhaps you didn’t think of the pattern before, but recognise yourself when you read it from the list. This may be because the pattern occurs unconsciously when our brains rely on familiar ways of coping rather than making a completely new decision each time.

Why do we repeat the same relationship patterns?

The patterns that we develop and continue are often influenced by multiple different factors. As well as our current social environment, this includes childhood experiences, previous relationships and the unique ways that our minds interpret the world around us. Later on in this article, I will be outlining how we can start to navigate out of these old patterns and towards healthier relationship patterns.

Childhood experiences and the messages we receive

From birth (and perhaps before; Baskerville, 2026), we are constantly learning about relationships and what we can expect from the world. As well as the cognitive learning that we experience as we get older, this also involves developing a felt sense of knowing which isn’t so easy to verbalise or explain (Sills, 2014).

Our early experiences can shape our expectations about whether people are safe, whether our needs matter and what we need to do to feel accepted or loved. Perhaps we learn that relationships are worth having, but require a huge amount of stressful work. Maybe we’re left with the impression that it’s best just to avoid close relationships altogether (Levine & Heller, 2019).

The expectations that we have of the world and relationships often become like blueprints or theatre scripts that continue to influence our relationships throughout adulthood. Although these beliefs may once have helped us adapt to our environment, they may no longer serve us in our current relationships (Fowlie, 2005). This doesn't mean our future is fixed. It simply means that we often continue to build our relationships according to the blueprint, until we begin to notice this and create a different path forward.

Sometimes we're responding to the past rather than the present

Have you ever looked back and wondered ‘Why did I react like that?’. Sometimes our emotional responses are influenced not only by what is happening today, but also by our past experiences. For example, if someone experienced hurtful criticism growing up, constructive feedback from a partner or colleague may feel far more painful than the situation alone would suggest. Without realising it, we may find ourselves responding to someone in front of us as though they were another important person from our past (Clarkson, 2003).

Sometimes we may also find ourselves recreating familiar relationship dynamics, even when they leave us unhappy. Familiarity can feel surprisingly safe on the surface level, but hold deep pain underneath (Holmes & Slade, 2018; Ingerslev, 2024).

Recognising these patterns isn't about blaming ourselves or our families. Instead, it allows us to ask an important question:

“Am I responding to what’s happening now, or am I reacting to something from my past?”

Neurodiversity and communication differences

Sometimes relationship difficulties reflect differences in how people communicate, process information and experience the world. For example, misunderstandings may occur between an autistic and an allistic (‘non-autistic’) individual because of perceiving and responding to the world in different ways based on the way their brain and nervous system function. These differences do not mean that anyone’s style of communication is wrong. However, not being able to understand each other’s needs can lead to frustrating experiences (Chapman & Botha, 2022).

For example:

• One person may need time to process difficult conversations before responding.

• Another may communicate very directly, while someone else interprets this as criticism.

• Sensory overwhelm or emotional overload may make it difficult to continue conversations during conflict.

Unfortunately, communication styles of neurodivergent people are often minimised as being neurotypical is considered the ‘norm’. This can put added pressure on neurodivergent people to try to fit into these ways of behaving. This is known as masking and is particularly prevalent in AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth) people who may experience increased social pressure to conform (Lai et al., 2023). Neurodivergent people may be expected to act as if they were neurotypical, leading to confusion, disappointment and exhaustion. Instead, approaching these differences with curiosity and empathy often creates far more room for connection than assuming that one person needs to change.

Why insight alone isn't always enough

Some people recognise their relationship patterns, but feel stuck and unable to change them. You might already know that you avoid conflict, people-please, shut down emotionally or fear rejection. However, the same situations keep on happening.

When we feel threatened, hurt or overwhelmed, we often respond automatically based on familiar methods of self-protection (Van der Kolk, 2014). These responses developed for a reason, even if they are no longer helping us in our current relationships.

Rather than asking, "What's wrong with me?", it can be more helpful to ask: "What is this pattern trying to protect me from?” This shift moves us away from self-criticism and towards self-understanding.

How can you begin changing relationship patterns?

Changing long-standing relationship patterns usually happens gradually over time, as small moments of awareness accumulate to create meaningful change.

1. Notice the pattern

Instead of viewing each disagreement or disappointment as a completely separate event, see if you can notice a wider pattern (Lapworth & Sills, 2012).

Ask yourself:

• How does this situation usually begin?

• What am I thinking?

• What emotions come up?

• What happens in my body?

• How do I usually respond?

• How does the interaction end?

Patterns often become clearer when we step back and observe them with curiosity.

2. Create a pause

When we recognise familiar relationship patterns beginning, creating a moment of rest can make a significant difference (Cao et al., 2025). If you can take a break and return once everyone feels calmer, you find that you’re more able to step out of the old pattern. The purpose isn't to avoid conflict, but coming back to it in a calmer and more intentional way.

3. Ask yourself what a different response might look like

In the pause, you might ask yourself:

• If I wasn't following this usual pattern, how else might I respond?

• What response would move this conversation towards the relationship I want?

Then, see if you can experiment with trying out some of these new options. There’s no need to rush everything at once, and it can feel far more manageable to start small.

As new ways of relating often feel unfamiliar before they begin to feel comfortable, it may be helpful to do something that helps you to feel grounded and relaxed afterwards. For example, taking a deep breath or gentle movement.

You don't have to stay stuck in the same cycle: How counselling can help

Whether your relationship difficulties stem from limiting beliefs, past experiences, neurodiversity or a combination of many factors, change is possible. Since relationship patterns usually develop within relationships, they often change most effectively within relationships too (Herman, 2022). This may involve having supportive conversations with trusted people in your personal life or with a counsellor.

Counselling isn't only for times of crisis or separation. It can also help you to understand yourself and your relationships more deeply, with space to slow these patterns down and begin experimenting with new ways of relating. Together, we can explore how your experiences, beliefs and communication styles may be influencing your relationships today while developing new ways of relating that feel more authentic and connected.

Written by Izzi Norrington (MBACP), Counsellor.

View references for this article here.